You Guys Should Have Kids!!!

Wow, for some reason being a navy wife automatically means you have to have kids or you're about to give birth. To be one of the rare individuals that doesn't have any kids or pets (they aren't fur babies it's an animal!) Doesn't want any kids, and isn't planning on having any kids. I find myself to be an anomaly. Sorry that I don't like cleaning up shit but there's something about the personal freedom of going on a road trip and not having to take anyone but my husband and myself without having to pay someone to take on my responsibility of watching my kid or god forbid taking them with me and balancing all the fun and joy of a trip on how they behave.....yeah I'm good with my marriage just being me and my husband for now. But for some odd reason no one else besides my husband and I is okay with that. For some odd reason I find myself constantly having to defend my decision for not wanting children right now and to me that's rather shocking since I'm only 23 years old and my husband and I have only been married for 3 years. How could we possibly raise a child when we are barely established in our own lives and in our own marriage? Don't get me wrong we have an incredibly close bond, but even now he's deployed. I don't want to have kids and for him to miss out on their childhood. The most important time in a child's life is their first 6 months. In that time a child's personality develops and from then on it's determined how that child reacts and behaves in every situation. That's basic child psychology. I couldn't possibly want to have baby and for my husband to not be apart of that incredibly important time. And how would he feel to have no bearing on the most important developmental time in his own child's life. Honestly the idea of it is pretty heart breaking. Hence one reason we wait. Another is our age. I'm 23 years old, so is my husband. And we like being 23. We like going out and experiencing the world. We love adventures and jumping in the car to just go places, I love being a college student and in essence he does love traveling the world as a sailor and having a child would only make all of the more difficult. You can't just jump in the car and go with a baby, they aren't too fond of kayaking trips, and zip-lining. Babies don't work well with school work and well deployment is kind of a no baby zone. So having a baby definitely doesn't fit our lifestyle and we're pretty happy with our lives and aren't looking for a change. Then there's the whole money thing, I don't know why people always say "it'll work out" when it comes to money and babies. Like I don't want to wish on a star for my child's college tuition. That stuff's kind of important to me. I'm gonna need to know that we have a stable home, stable income that wouldn't need excessive budgeting in order to have child and the ability to save for our child's future. 

This clearly isn't how everyone handles the whole baby thing, but well my marriage is pretty perfect right now despite my husband being deployed. We have an amazing time with it just being the two of us and I don't know why that's constantly questioned by people. I mean maybe motherhood and child rearing is an important part of their life that helps define them but that's just not me right now. I love being an aunt to my 6 amazing nieces, I love being in college and studying to become a professor myself one day, I love being married to my husband but even in that he's not my identity. I don't know but I have the feeling that most people that have their kids a little too early in life lose a piece of themselves. Maybe it's a piece that they needed to lose but maybe not. I see a lot of people that introduce themselves solely as a mother, or a dad and it causes you to wonder what else defines them since they were not always parents. Does their depth go any further than the dirty diapers in their trash can? Are they holding on to regrets from having kids so early that they are now unable to accomplish the goals they'd originally had in life? I want a child, truly I do but I don't want a child until I'm ready. And that means that I do accomplish my life's goals first because I want them to see me as an example to get the most out of everything. To experience all they can because that will only make them a more well rounded person and a more understanding parent in the long run. Everyone experiences life differently and honestly I wouldn't be writing this blog right now if people could understand that for me I'm just content to go to art shows and concerts on the weekends. I'm okay with spending my day in a book studying and advancing my education the furthest I possibly can. Others don't have to be me, it's okay I'm not judging you. I'm just asking you not to look at my life and tell me that I should have children because trust me I'm happy and my life is perfect the way it is for now. 

Retail Therapy

It's a real thing. Everyone has their own coping strategies, for me when I'm really feeling down I shop. Now I don't go crazy, I never spend money that I don't have but it's okay to make yourself feel special. Just don't forget about your spouse and to make him or her feel special too. Packing your care packages full of snacks and drinks is great but remember to spoil them a little, movies, something special. I sent my husband a lego watch recently because I knew he wanted one, it wasn't for a specific occasion other than I know he wanted one and I love him. The rest of the package was just fluff stuff but something special really does lift their spirits and remind them that you're always thinking about them. Now back to ME. Lol Shopping is a passion of mine, I don't care what it's for. Groceries, arts supplies, clothes, and shoes I love it all. I shop online and in store and I can't pretend getting something new doesn't have an amazing feeling behind it. But don't abuse that feeling, don't blow all the money from deployment on clothes. Recently I've been saving up for a new pair of UGG boots. I don't necessarily need them but I don't care, I'm setting aside money each paycheck from the amount I'm given in the budget, after the amount I put into savings in order to be able to buy these shoes in the next month or two. I also shop smart, double check prices, goint to thrift shops and to outlet malls first, and I always hold quality over quantity as a standard. 5 new tops is great for the price as one, but that's only if those tops last you longer than that one top would have on it's own. Some people don't understand that rule. Also buy things you'll actually use. I'm a pretty fashion adventurous person. I wear jumpsuits, rompers, crop tops, harem pant, I love crazy heels and hats but most people aren't like that. I've gone shopping with friends before and seen them buy things that I know are out of their style and they'd never wear. In fact those outfits are still in their closet with the tag one and even though it's cute I know they'll never wear it and they completely wasted that money. That's one thing I just don't do. Thrift shops are great, so are mall stores but good deal or not if you don't see yourself ever wearing something don't buy it. 

Don't be afraid to spoil yourself, you deserve it. Deployment is rough emotionally and physically. Take the time to get yourself something you know you'll love and actually use. And do the same for your spouse, trust me you and them will both feel better when you spoil yourselves just the right amount.

HELLO BEAUTIFUL!!

 Just saying that watch is pretty bad ass. 

These pink bags make anything better. 

Planning a Future

 One highlight of deployment and well marriage in general is planning your future. Deployment it's amplified because you can't do anything together so all you talk about is what you can't wait for and things you'd like to do together. Rarely this conversation is about children, despite being 23 my husband and I just aren't in the place in our marriage yet. I enjoy being 23 and not having a bunch of responsibilities. But baby talk is a different blog all in itself. So one of my favorite things to plan is adventures. Last year my husband and I went to Legoland and Busch Gardens. Despite not liking roller coasters we had an amazing time. This time we are thinking about going to Universal Studios and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Dylan's a big Harry Potter fan so I know this trip will be awesome for him and I saw the movies so I'm pretty excited to go also. I even bought a pair of Ravenclaw leggings to wear to get into the spirit. So that's one thing I look forward to and enjoy planning. The other thing I love talking about with him is school (his and my education) and our home. I currently am going to school and I'm about to get my associates degree and he's getting ready to return to school. It's so very exciting for both of us. I think we're applying to the same university in Florida, he's just going to take a couple online classes and I'm really excited for him and I'm going to start on my bachelors degree. It's pretty exciting to think about. Then there's our new home, that's the most fun to think about, Dylan and I are looking at buying a home and looking and talking about our future house is just so much fun. We talk about the furniture, the bathroom, hanging out on the couch watching movies and pretty much every aspect of getting a house together. It's so exciting to be headed towards this huge life step. Buying a home, having him back with me and going to school together is such wonderful things to look forward to and I think doing this during deployment can really bring you a positive outlook. The important thing is to remember these things aren't set in stone, maybe we won't go to Universal, maybe we won't find a home we love and we'll rent for a while and keep looking. These things are unknown and as long as you remain flexible it's fun to plan. 

this is a painting I made for our new home. We love our home town and I wanted to recreate that feeling of coming home late at night and seeing that beautiful arch and all those buildings lights reflecting off of the mississippi. This is one way I plan for the future, I create and collect art in order to make our house into a home. I'm just not interested in having a "pinterest home" I need a house that's unique and filled with unique and interesting things because that's what we are. This painting maybe rough but planning for the future and making things for my home really help to put a positive spin on deployment. And in such a crappy circumstance it's important to find something positive. 

Fighting on Deployment

I've read a ton of websites and blogs and support pages where wives tell other wives not to fight with their spouse on deployment. They talk about their mind having to be in the right place and all that jazz, well I don't agree with that. I also don't agree with the "no bad news" in general rule because life doesn't stop when my husband deploys and I'm not going to cut him out of my life in order to save his feelings. My marriage is completely open and honest, we tell the truth. The cold, hard truth and often it's hard to hear but needs to be said. We fought today for instance. This weekend was emotionally difficult on us both. My spouse had been underway for the past 60 days so our contact had been extremely limited. When he learned he'd be pulling into a port soon our hopes soared to getting to see each other again through one or two Skype dates. It's all we could talk about, seeing each other and laughing and him getting to see all his nieces, we were both just so very excited. And then the weekend started, he couldn't find a decent WiFi connection and the frustrations grew from there. We spoke for a few minutes one morning and even though he thought he'd find WiFi again he hadn't and I spent the rest of the day at home waiting to talk to him, hence last nights post. Then today it was the same thing, we finally talked for about an hour but we never got to see each other or hear each other's voices and I think the frustration just built into this big ugly fight. He was frustrated with me, I was defensive and agitated. We are communicating through email and text and somethings are being lost in translation and we aren't seeing the other ones side or how they felt it was UGLY. When it was all over I think I cried my weight in tears and I know he felt awful but time limitations forced the conversation to end because despite it only being 2pm for me he needed to go to sleep. So I had the rest of my day to feel like crap. But I only let myself wallow for a couple hours. Then I wrote him a clear concise email of my thoughts, how I felt and what I meant. I know his reasons for being so upset with me were valid and I honestly understood that when I saw where he was coming from and he understood that they weren't intentional. But despite the day feeling ruined we fixed a deeper problem we were having. And by writing my email I was able to get out what I needed to say and know that after the fact my side was also heard. 

This is incredibly difficult but you can't have an effective marriage without amazing communication. That means telling your spouse you're upset. And going into great detail, you WILL hurt their feelings but you need to because yours were hurt and honestly if a spouse realizes they were unintentionally hurting the one they love that's upsetting but they needed to know. In order to grow a plant must be pruned, this pruning hurts but creates a more beautiful flower in the end. I hate fighting with my husband, I really hate it during a deployment because you never get that moment to hold each other when it's over. (and you don't get make up sex) but I know that when we communicate effectively and when we work through these problems, seeing the other persons side and understanding what they truly meant we grow and we build a stronger marriage. I don't think you can do that by hiding your feelings and pretending that they weren't there. I don't think bottling up anything and pushing it deep inside yourself will result well. What if what they're doing that bothers you just continues, you then have a major fight after deployment about something you'd been harboring for months and hiding from them. That would be much worse than working through it in a matter of hours. My husband woke up early to tell me he loved me and to see how I was feeling, he didn't go to bed angry and now I don't have to go to bed wondering where we stand. Is it the best way to work through fights in your marriage, NO but deployment doesn't offer much and this is just something you have to do. Communication is key, if you are open and honest with your spouse and they are open and honest with you, you'll find a silver lining to your deployment and that's a strength in your bond that you never knew was there. He'll return and you'll be an even stronger couple for having gone through all this apart and working through your problems through nothing but communication. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla

Our marriage is stronger than anything a deployment can throw at us

Waiting for the call that doesn't come

Waiting all day for a Skype invite the never comes. It happens, and you can't really be mad at anyone. Today it happened to me. I know I was too excited, and put too much importance on it. So maybe I should blame myself for jinxing my own outcome but what am I supposed to do when I find out I might see my husband's face, hear his voice, his laugh after it had been over a month since I'd seen him. Am I supposed to just remain apathetic. He did Facebook me this morning telling my he was having a difficult time finding wifi so I can't blame him, he did try but it just kind of sucks. Now I'm sure he's in bed and feeling just as awful as I am and there was nothing we could have done.

This is one of those deployment things people just don't really tell you about. The fact that it is inevitable to get your hopes up and to be let down. They can't always Skype, the internet on the ship goes down and they can't always email and you are just stuck there, wondering when it will work again. When you will see them again, I did get a few pictures though. I really do have a pretty awesome husband. He was sure to take pictures the last couple of days and send them to me on Facebook so that even if I can't see his face I can have some pictures of him to keep and eventually to scrapbook. I'll talk about that more, but that's a BIG way I get through deployment. Without my scrapbooks I honestly think I'd lose my mind.  I have high hopes that I'll get to see my husband's face tomorrow but who knows,  I can't predict the future and I can only hope that he will find Wifi before his ship leaves again they're back to see. Oh well, that's just one more sucky part of being a Navy Wife, it's not all bad but days like this certainly aren't my favorite. Waiting by a phone or tablet, tied to Wifi. You can't leave or go anywhere because if they call while you were gone that's the worst feeling imaginable so instead you wait for that message that never comes. I can't wait until my husband is home and things go back to our version of normal.

all dolled up and no one to talk to

my hunky BM2 underway

Staying Connected (Annotated Books)

I know this will be written in parts because there is simply no way to cover all the ways to stay connected with your spouse in one blog post but I'll start with the one I've been working on all deployment. One that I know my husband loves and I enjoy myself. 

We are both avid readers, now often we don't read the same things. He loves fantasy fiction and I'm more of a classical fiction, American Literature kind of girl and I mix in some female based young adult fiction here and there. He also reads young adult fiction but mainly male protragonist series. We both read and enjoyed the Hunger Games but we both enjoy dysentopia novels so that's a genre we know we are going to love despite the sex of the main character, similar to the Giver. Which is coming out in theaters soon and I'm really looking forward to seeing when he come home. Despite all the rumors of things that they've changed. But because my husband reads so much on deployment I came up with the idea of annotating books that he might not necessarily pick for himself but that I thought he would enjoy to read first and fill with my own thoughts, comments and ideas and then give to him to read while we is gone. And he loves it, we read often together at home and share what it is we read and what we enjoyed so this is just my way of continuing that together. 

this is literally how we read in bed, side by side, books almost touching. Something about reading together is just so romantic to me. 

here's an example of one of my books filled with notes for my sailor to read underway, every few pages he can read my opinion, my insights and it's a way of sharing someting so special to our relationship still instead of just letting it be taken away. 

MY husband made a valiant effort to annotate some books for me but he ran into a few problems, he doesn't have as much time on his hands, he doesn't read as fast as I do, and he doesn't really like to annotate books. So for him it was quiet a challenge and I don't really have books filled with notes for myself but I've even solved that problem. My husband is a devote fan of the Orson Scott Card series Ender. And I decided that reading those books would bring my closer to him. We saw the movie Ender's Game when it came out and since then I'd wanted to read the book I just wanted to wait for deployment because I had a feeling it would make me feel closer to my husband. And it did, I even annotated that entire book so that I could include it in his care package and he could read my immediate reactions to what I though about his most favorite books. Now that he did for me on his first deployment. He read the Great Gastby and took notes, mostly silly but some incitful and thought provoking and it was such a terrific gift to have. This isn't something for everybody, obviously you and your husband must both be readers to begin with, but you can always find ways to stay connected to your spouse, so long as you put forth the effort you can figure something out. Because trust me once their gone, they're gone and there's nothing you can do about it. 

Social Media During a Deployment

There's a lot that goes into social media during a deployment. For starters you have to follow the rules of OPSEC. Essentially that  basically means not ever saying when or where when it relates to your spouse. Don't say they'll be home in X many months, don't say there currently docked in X port. When in doubt don't say it. Lol

But here are some more tips to using social media as a spouse while your husband is on deployment. 

1. Facebook is not your personal journal- we get it your miss your spouse, heck I wake up every single day and miss mine but you'll be damned if you see me post "poor me" my husband is gone statuses all the time, they tend to be attention seeking and the more you do it the less people care. That just kind of how it works, there are specific pages for military wives to find other wive to support each other through this time, but an arbitrary status about how you miss you husband for the eighth time today get's redundant.

2. When you have other military friends watch what you say- you are not the first person in the world to go through a deployment. It's rough, yes we all know but let's remember that some deployments are longer than others, some spouses have more contact with their SO's than others and when you over share you are throwing your life in someone else's face. I know spouses that get to Skype their husbands every day, where as I haven't heard my husbands voice in over a month so hearing them complain gets to be difficult. Or reading status's about how depressed a wife is that her husband is on an underway is rough when it's been 3 months since you've held your sailor in your arms and they saw theirs last week and he'll be home in a matter or days. A good rule, with most relationships is to just keep your business off the internet. It's okay to miss them but remember someone always has it worse than you and if you're really having a difficult time post to a private support page, otherwise it looks like you're just seeking attention. 

3. Support pages are for support- you'd be surprised the amount of people that post questions that could have easily be answered by google. It get's rather obnoxious when there are people that are really having problems but their post gets pushed down because someone wants anniversary present ideas. Now one, no one knows you or your spouse so how would they help you pick a gift but two that's something you can google or look up on Pinterest, I'll admit that's not my best example but join some of these pages and you'll see what I'm talking about right away. 

Facebook and Instagram can be a great way of keeping up to date with you SO, they can post pics in port and you can use these sites to share pictures and communicate, but just be responsible. The last thing you want is a deployment getting pushed back because you shared secret information and put the lives of all the sailors on the ship in danger because someone asked when or where he's coming home and you didn't think it would hurt to tell them over the internet. Like I said before, when in doubt, just don't. And if you really want to know you can always GOOGLE Opsec and you'll find tons of information. Happy Tweeting,

Kayla

Here are a few extra links to check out if you're still a little confused about the rules of OPSEC, please look at theses if you're unsure because this really is important. 

http://www.dodea.edu/offices/safety/opsec.cfm

http://spousebuzz.com/blog/2012/07/6-surprise-opsec-donts.html

This is a course to help you if you're still a little foggy about the rules. I think it's the easiest way to learn these guidelines and solidify them in your mind. 

http://cdsetrain.dtic.mil/opsec/