You can't stop death

Things happen that are out of our control, like the timing of a deployment, babies and death. While there are things we can do to understand the timing of these things better, babies you can take birth control or be abstinent and deployment it's going to happen if you're in the military and you can usually figure out relatively when and for how long but death, that's not really something you can plan. And a death during a deployment can be exceptionally difficult. 

To not have your spouse beside you during the death of a loved one can be extremely painful. When you see your family all cling to their husbands and wives and yet you are sitting there alone it can be one of the worst moments of a deployment if it's one you go through. It happened to us, last deployment my Great Grandfather passed away shortly after having a stroke. It wasn't too sudden, we had time to say goodbye. But I don't even like reflecting on this time because the intense feelings of being alone still feel so fresh, especially since I'm in the middle of another deployment. But it happened and I had to go to the funeral services alone and the burial alone and I had to drive myself there and back and it was extremely hard. I poured my soul out to my husband in emails and he felt terrible that he couldn't be there to bring me any solace during this time and that we just had to go through it separate. I didn't hardly to anyone else those few weeks, it wa all too much for me to process. My own feelings were still bottled up inside me. My emails were so tiresome to write because the tears would pour out of my eyes and it felt more like a personal journal than a conversation with my spouse. I eventually stopped writting about it because I could tell it was hurting him, the inability to console me and to be there for me the way he really wanted to be. And I needed to force myself through this alone. I needed to accept reality, the death of my grandfather and the fact that life will continue without him on my own. 

Death is also a rough topic on deployment because, well, your husband isn't there. People cling to the ones they love at a funeral for support but also as a reminder that they're still there, that they still have each other. But I didn't have him there, we weren't with each other. And the thought inevitably creepers into your mind, what if you never have each other again. Death is sudden, it's unexplainable and to lose your spouse after having been apart for so long is an experience I can't and don't want to attempt to empathsize, for the loved ones that have gone through it my heart truly breaks for you. And those of us lucky enough to still have our military men and woman are grateful for their sacrifice. At a funeral death just feels so near and it's hard to not imagine what it would be like to lose the one you love. When you see the widow at a military funeral (my grandpa was a marine) it crushes you, it destroyed me. Because one day, someone will have my that flag if my husband passes first. One day I'll have to say goodbye and the thought is unbearable and yet at the front of the room there is someone suffering that emotion right now, facing that reality that they have lost their life partner and after over 50+ years are now alone. And even the empathy is too much to bear. But you have to, you have to keep going and face the feelings, face the hurt, and process the reality. Because giving up isn't an option. Today is another day in this deployment, and it sucks, and it hurts, and all you want is your husband/wife home to cling to and remind you that everything is going to be alright. But they aren't home and you have to just accept that and continue on.

Any Day But Today,

Kayla