I've read a ton of websites and blogs and support pages where wives tell other wives not to fight with their spouse on deployment. They talk about their mind having to be in the right place and all that jazz, well I don't agree with that. I also don't agree with the "no bad news" in general rule because life doesn't stop when my husband deploys and I'm not going to cut him out of my life in order to save his feelings. My marriage is completely open and honest, we tell the truth. The cold, hard truth and often it's hard to hear but needs to be said. We fought today for instance. This weekend was emotionally difficult on us both. My spouse had been underway for the past 60 days so our contact had been extremely limited. When he learned he'd be pulling into a port soon our hopes soared to getting to see each other again through one or two Skype dates. It's all we could talk about, seeing each other and laughing and him getting to see all his nieces, we were both just so very excited. And then the weekend started, he couldn't find a decent WiFi connection and the frustrations grew from there. We spoke for a few minutes one morning and even though he thought he'd find WiFi again he hadn't and I spent the rest of the day at home waiting to talk to him, hence last nights post. Then today it was the same thing, we finally talked for about an hour but we never got to see each other or hear each other's voices and I think the frustration just built into this big ugly fight. He was frustrated with me, I was defensive and agitated. We are communicating through email and text and somethings are being lost in translation and we aren't seeing the other ones side or how they felt it was UGLY. When it was all over I think I cried my weight in tears and I know he felt awful but time limitations forced the conversation to end because despite it only being 2pm for me he needed to go to sleep. So I had the rest of my day to feel like crap. But I only let myself wallow for a couple hours. Then I wrote him a clear concise email of my thoughts, how I felt and what I meant. I know his reasons for being so upset with me were valid and I honestly understood that when I saw where he was coming from and he understood that they weren't intentional. But despite the day feeling ruined we fixed a deeper problem we were having. And by writing my email I was able to get out what I needed to say and know that after the fact my side was also heard.
This is incredibly difficult but you can't have an effective marriage without amazing communication. That means telling your spouse you're upset. And going into great detail, you WILL hurt their feelings but you need to because yours were hurt and honestly if a spouse realizes they were unintentionally hurting the one they love that's upsetting but they needed to know. In order to grow a plant must be pruned, this pruning hurts but creates a more beautiful flower in the end. I hate fighting with my husband, I really hate it during a deployment because you never get that moment to hold each other when it's over. (and you don't get make up sex) but I know that when we communicate effectively and when we work through these problems, seeing the other persons side and understanding what they truly meant we grow and we build a stronger marriage. I don't think you can do that by hiding your feelings and pretending that they weren't there. I don't think bottling up anything and pushing it deep inside yourself will result well. What if what they're doing that bothers you just continues, you then have a major fight after deployment about something you'd been harboring for months and hiding from them. That would be much worse than working through it in a matter of hours. My husband woke up early to tell me he loved me and to see how I was feeling, he didn't go to bed angry and now I don't have to go to bed wondering where we stand. Is it the best way to work through fights in your marriage, NO but deployment doesn't offer much and this is just something you have to do. Communication is key, if you are open and honest with your spouse and they are open and honest with you, you'll find a silver lining to your deployment and that's a strength in your bond that you never knew was there. He'll return and you'll be an even stronger couple for having gone through all this apart and working through your problems through nothing but communication.
Any Day But Today,
Kayla
Our marriage is stronger than anything a deployment can throw at us
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