"He'll Be Home Before You Know IT"

I loathe this phrase and here's why. 

1. The moment my husband deployed, the very moment he set foot on the plane and flew away from me and I knew I wouldn't see him again or touch him again for months I felt the loss. I KNEW he was gone.

2. Saying that a deployment will be "over before I know it" is like saying I don't realize that my husband has been gone for the last 6-9 months, um I notice the fact that I sleep in a bed alone, I notice the fact that I don't always have someone to go out with my on a whim, I notice the fact he's gone. That has never slipped my mind during this time. 

3. Honestly it makes me feel like my feelings are less important, if I say "I really miss Dylan" and that's your response it's like saying I'm over reacting and to get over it because it's not that bad. It is that bad, 99.9% of the people that tell me this have NEVER gone through a deployment and have no idea what it's like to even be seperated from their spouse for more than a day and if they are and their husband goes on a mans trip or away on buisness for work they bitch and complain the whole time like it's the worst thing in the world. uh Navy wifes call those underways and they are the best mini-vacations we can ask for. They're long enough to get all the laundry done and everything in the house clean but short enough that they're home before the big "I miss you's" start.

I know you might read this and think people only say that because they're trying to make you feel better, well it doesn't so stop saying it. And don't worry I do correct people in my own life that for some reason think I don't notice the fact that my husand has been gone for X many months. And I tell them never to say that to me again unless they want whatever I'm drinking in their face because telling me that is like me telling someone who's grandma died that at least it wasn't them or someone who had their car stolen that now they can get a new one. Deployment doesn't need some bogus silver lining from someone that's never been through it before. Trust me I don't want your empathy, and if that's all you have to say to me if I say I wish my husband were home well then just don't bother contributing to the conversation.

your silence is appreciated,

Kayla

You Can't Spend All Day Worrying

There are a ton of things that you can worry about on deployment, where your husband is, whether or not he's in danger, when he's coming home, whether you'll get along when he comes home, honestly this list can go on and on. But there's really no point to it. I try my best to worry as least as I possibly can on deployment.  In light of recent events I've gotten the opportunity to turn my worry meter on but I chose not to, I had a friend message me in the early hours of the morning about  foriegn affairs and the proximity of my husband to what's happening but I chose to just remind her that he knows what he's doing and I can't do anything to stop it so worrying is pointless. Then I see his strike force on the news and instead of obsessing I change the channel and chose to be ill informed (something completely out of character for me). I'd rather not know anything about it than spend all day worrying about my husbands part in some mission overseas. If it were important I would know, if I had reason to worry my husband would tell me but he hasn't and he won't because we ( I ) have faith in the strength of the United States Navy and I know that my sailor is a damn fine boatswainmate and I'd rather put my energy toward school, and him then spend it in bed thinking about all the awful things that can happen.I knnow that doesn't always seem possible, to just will yourself into not worrying. But for me it works, I just decide that I'm not going to make a mountain out of a mole hill, if something ACTUALLY happens I can react from there of course, but I truly make the conscious decision not to let anything get to me until then because honestly if you do you'll end up losing all your hair and breaking out daily from the stress. So don't let it get to you, have an outlet for pent up frustration and if you are worried tell your significant other, let them know what you're worried about and maybe they'll be able to put your mind at ease. They know you better than anyone else in the world, I'm sure if you tell them how you're feeling they'll reassure you that everything it going to be alright. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

Don't Compare....EVER!....well at least try not to

Everyone's experience with a deployment is different, some are longer and some are shorter. Some husbands have jobs where they have more availability so they can spend more time on Facebook and sending emails, others (like mine) have to share 1 computer amongst 25 other sailors so they don't get much time or opportunity to talk. Each branch is different too, Skype isn't really available to sailors unless they are in port and they are on liberty, while I have a friend whose husband is in the Air Force and while he's on deployment he can call, text and Skype nearly every single day. But I can't compare because it will drive me crazy, I can't think about the people that have been in the Navy for 4+ years and are about to go on their very first deployment because things are going to be different.  And it's hard, even typing this I have to remind myself that everyones experience is different and there are always people that are going to have it easier but there's also going to be those people that have it worse. So comparing is useless, no two sailors have the same career. I have a few friends that will call me upset because something is unfair, or they know someone that things worked out for and they feel screwed over and I have to remind them that if they compare they are going to drive themselves crazy. It's hard, it really is but it's one of the most important things to remember during a deployment because things are always going to seem unfair. I had a couple friends try and tell me it was wrong that my husband had to leave again so soon but I didn't even want to go down that road. As much as I wish things were different everything happens for a reason and we are going to be fine and I just try to appreciate the good and take all the bad with a grain of salt. Him being deployed gives me the opportunity to spend more time with my littles, it gives me a chance to finish my associates degreee and I am grateful for that. So maybe it'd be nice if my husband had his own personal computer on the ship, or if the computers were evenly distributed so each sailor could adequately communicate with their loved ones, maybe I'd love it if my husband hadn't deployed twice in his first three years of sea duty. And it'd be nice to have the ability to Skype my husband every single day, but that's not an option and I'm not going to waste my time wishing things to change that won't. Take everything that a deployment throughs at you with a grain of salt and honestly if you have someone on your Facebook feed complaining about Underways and Duty days while your husband is on his second, third, or fourth deployment just delete them. Who cares, this is why I write about social media in the military because those people are inconsiderate and don't realize how easy they've had it and how their posts might make others who have had a harder time feel so if they get one less Facebook friend because of it that's they own fault.  

Staying Connected (scrapbooks)

During my husbands first deployment I wanted to find a way to share all the things I experienced while he was gone. I had a wonderful friend that shared the idea of keeping a journal but when I told me husband that he was frank and told me he didn't want to reread it all since most likely I'd email him the exact same things that I'd write down every single day so I had to go back to the drawing board. Like most woman in general I'm addicted to Pinterest and I came across this amazing thing called a Smashbook, I'd always wanted to become a scrapbooker but I wasn't a fan of all the rules. I love photo albums but they're too boring and scrapbooks are so beautiful but they lacked the feeling of real life but Smashbooks, smashbooks are real, Smash books relate to me and I decided I was gonna do it. I didn't tell my husband and I made his first scrapbook all about what  he missed, I wanted to make him feel like he was still apart of every moment and that I didn't forget about him, even while having fun. When my husband got this book after deployment he was shocked. He told me that he cried ( I was hospitalized and didn't get to be there for my husbands homecoming, it was tough but we got through it) and that it was the greatest gift he'd ever recieved. And that made it all worth it, this deployment, like my carepackages I've taken even further. I'm trying to learn more through Facebook groups and Pinterest pages and Instagram posts and I'm just trying really hard to put everything I can into my husbands book because I know it means a lot to him. This year I've also allowed each one of my nieces to make their own pages.

This is my Reagan working on her page, she really liked adding stickers. I think this makes it more personal for them and they get to feel closer to Dylan, I also let them help with his care packages and we make and send him pictures often because staying connected is not only important for me but it's important to them. The girls love him so much and I know that they don't fully understand why he's gone but I do everything to remind them how much he loves them and keep their relationship strong despite him not getting to be there for them. 

If I can set up a skype date they both really appreciate it because he only gets a couple days in port every couple of months and they get to talk to him and ask him questions instead of it always being me speaking for them. 

Staying connected during a deployment it so incredibly important and by sending care packages, making scrapbooks, writing emails often and annotating books my spouse and I manage to stay close to one another and continue to strengthen our bond. It's not easy but if you find things that work for you despite the distance you can navigate your way through a deployment and come out with an even stronger marriage because of it. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

This is a link to an amazing Smashbook group on Facebook, the people on here are incredibly creative and share such wonderful ideas to inspire anyone. This is a closed group but I promise you won'tregret  joining this amazing page. 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/smashaholics/?ref=ts&fref=ts

You can't stop death

Things happen that are out of our control, like the timing of a deployment, babies and death. While there are things we can do to understand the timing of these things better, babies you can take birth control or be abstinent and deployment it's going to happen if you're in the military and you can usually figure out relatively when and for how long but death, that's not really something you can plan. And a death during a deployment can be exceptionally difficult. 

To not have your spouse beside you during the death of a loved one can be extremely painful. When you see your family all cling to their husbands and wives and yet you are sitting there alone it can be one of the worst moments of a deployment if it's one you go through. It happened to us, last deployment my Great Grandfather passed away shortly after having a stroke. It wasn't too sudden, we had time to say goodbye. But I don't even like reflecting on this time because the intense feelings of being alone still feel so fresh, especially since I'm in the middle of another deployment. But it happened and I had to go to the funeral services alone and the burial alone and I had to drive myself there and back and it was extremely hard. I poured my soul out to my husband in emails and he felt terrible that he couldn't be there to bring me any solace during this time and that we just had to go through it separate. I didn't hardly to anyone else those few weeks, it wa all too much for me to process. My own feelings were still bottled up inside me. My emails were so tiresome to write because the tears would pour out of my eyes and it felt more like a personal journal than a conversation with my spouse. I eventually stopped writting about it because I could tell it was hurting him, the inability to console me and to be there for me the way he really wanted to be. And I needed to force myself through this alone. I needed to accept reality, the death of my grandfather and the fact that life will continue without him on my own. 

Death is also a rough topic on deployment because, well, your husband isn't there. People cling to the ones they love at a funeral for support but also as a reminder that they're still there, that they still have each other. But I didn't have him there, we weren't with each other. And the thought inevitably creepers into your mind, what if you never have each other again. Death is sudden, it's unexplainable and to lose your spouse after having been apart for so long is an experience I can't and don't want to attempt to empathsize, for the loved ones that have gone through it my heart truly breaks for you. And those of us lucky enough to still have our military men and woman are grateful for their sacrifice. At a funeral death just feels so near and it's hard to not imagine what it would be like to lose the one you love. When you see the widow at a military funeral (my grandpa was a marine) it crushes you, it destroyed me. Because one day, someone will have my that flag if my husband passes first. One day I'll have to say goodbye and the thought is unbearable and yet at the front of the room there is someone suffering that emotion right now, facing that reality that they have lost their life partner and after over 50+ years are now alone. And even the empathy is too much to bear. But you have to, you have to keep going and face the feelings, face the hurt, and process the reality. Because giving up isn't an option. Today is another day in this deployment, and it sucks, and it hurts, and all you want is your husband/wife home to cling to and remind you that everything is going to be alright. But they aren't home and you have to just accept that and continue on.

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

I Couldn't Do this Without FAMILY

Deployment is extremely hard to deal with and I couldn't imagine going through all of this without having my family with me. Not really for emotional support, I'm not much of a person to talk about deployment to anyone outside of the military or that hasn't gone through it themselves, but just to keep my mind busy. Being able to just get out of the house and spend some time with my sisters and nieces can really bring me out of a bad place. 

Lately I've been enjoying going to my nieces soccer games. They are out by where they live and I just love cheering them on and I appreciate this time with them. If my husband weren't deployed right now than I'd still be in Jacksonville, if he weren't deployed I'd be missing all this time with them. Getting to see them grow up. Getting to watch them go to school for the first time ever. I appreciate each and every one of these moments. Because I know that once my husband does come home I won't get to have this time with them anymore. 

I share such a special bond with my nieces, each on has such unique qualities about them that just make you love them so much more. Each one has a wonderful sense of humor and joy that's all their own. And each and everyone one of them enjoys a good selfie. 

I try my best to take them to as many things as I possibly can and really have the most fun with them because I'm afraid of them forgetting me. I don't want them to remember me at their distant aunt that lived in Florida that they saw a couple times a year. I want them to remember this time that I got to be home. Going to St. Andrews movie theater together, standing in line late at night to get donuts in Maplewood, me cheering the loudest at their ballet recitals and their soccer games. I need them much more than they need me, of course they don't realize that but I do. 

 So while I'm home, while I have this time with them I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to take them to the Magic House when they're off of school, I'm going to walk around the zoo with them and make animal noises. And I'm going to remind them over and over again how much I love them and how much their Uncle Dylan (pickle) loves them because I know the day I have to say goodbye to all of them will not only break my heart, I know that this time the older ones really will understand that I'm not coming right back. That I won't be at their birthday parties or their school plays anymore and I need them to know that it's not because I don't love them. Because they really are my world, my family means everything to me and those six little girls bring more joy to my life than they'll ever understand. 

       

        

Staying Connected...CARE PACKAGES!!!!!

I love making Care Packages for my husband, but I can't send something simple. Since I began scrapbooking I realized I could incorporate that into my husbands packages and send a little bit extra love. But my first piece of advice is not to spend too much on decorations, they most likely will just be thrown away. Find a simple way to dress up a package. Being a scrapbooker I tend to have most of these things already lying around my house. Specifically papers and washi tapes. I get inspiration and ideas from Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook pages were memebers share their personal packages and ideas. I recently started painting the outside of the boxes, something I haven't seen other people doing but that I know my spouse appreciates. He says he always knows when there's a package for him because of the wild paintings all over the sides. The top box was a movie themed care package. I'd sent him a season of True Blood and other movies so I wanted to make the box to look interesting and entertaining. See if he could guess the contents by what was on the outside. The bottom box was for our anniversary. I kept that a little more simple and included some personal gifts that I knew he'd love. You can't send much because of their lack of space but if you really try you can figure it out. 

 This was the first package I sent for the deployment. He loved it and said everyone thought the tentacles were "sick" and it raised my street cred on the ship. The theme of the package was Cats and I just decorated the inside with pictures of cats and funny little comparisons of how being a cat is a lot like being on deployment. He appreciated the humor and that was the point so this one was successful. 

 This was MY birthday care package. Since my husband had to miss out I decided to create my birthday in a box for him. With decorations, pictures of all our nieces as the guests. And I wrote "happy birthday to Kayla, Happy Birthday to me!!" And I filled it with things I love, my favorite candy, my favorite drinks. I also included stuff for him but this package was designed in order to really make him laugh and it did.There was a princess hat inside for him to wear and lots of treats for him to enjoy. All in all I think he really liked them.

CARE PACKAGE TIPS

1. Timing is important, it's the difference between a package taking 2 weeks to 2 months to reach your spouse. I time mine accordingly and have never had a problem. If you wait until you spouse leaves a port and then you send a package you ensure that package going directly to their next port instead of being bounced around as it tries to catch up to their current location. 

2. Don't send a ton of drinks, send Mio's and water flavorings. Sailors especailly have VERY LITTLE space. So when you send them a ton of full size drinks in a package they don't have the room to store them all and according to my spouse often they're forced to chug them quickly, give them away or toss them. By sending Mio's and water flavorings they get a ton of options and can store them easily. 

3. Send tape. I found some mini posters to send my husband in order for him to personalize his rack and I included tape because that's not really something they have. But you can send pictures, kids art, and all kinds of things but withtout tape they can't really do anything with it. I like Washi tape so I sent him some fun ones to make the decorating even better.

4.  Fill out the forms at home, it's easier and saves time if you just bring the customs forms home and have everything filled out and taped up before you get to the post office. It makes the whole experience much fast. 

5.  Use them as a count down, I love count downs. The more you have the better in my opinion. If your husband is deploying for six month send him six carepackages. When you put so much work into the decorating, buying items and writing little notes to include when you finally send one you realize quite a large amount of time has gone by. And then when they recieve it that's another positive thing to celebrate and chunk of time that has passed. It's something both of you can look forward to.

6. If you're like me you want to see your spouse open his package. So ask him to have a friend take a picture of him opening it on his phone. One that's great for scrapbooking later and two you get to see his reaction after opening it. Also ask your spouse to email you right after opening it to tell you what he liked, this seems obvious but it really isn't. In our first deployment I'd get one sentence saying "thanks for the care package" and frankly after all the time and effort it wasn't enough. But after I let him know, he completely understood and always writes me after getting something to tell me his reaction and his thoughts on what he got. I really cherish those emails. 

7. TIDE PODS, on a ship there's government detergent but my husband loves having Tide Pods to throw in with his clothes. They smell better, feel cleaner, and are just a tiny aspect of home that you can give them while they're underway.

8. Don't over think it. You know your spouse. You know what they like and don't like and just think of things to get them according to that. 

UPDATE: This is my most recent and probably favorite care package to date. It was very simple to make, just some scrapbook paper, washi tape and envelopes from Micheal's but a little extra work really can make a care package mean so much more to a sailor. 

This is a link to an awesome Facebook pages where woman and men share their ideas and I love being apart of it. It is a private group so you have to request permission to be apart of the page but I highly recommend joining it. You will learn and can share ideas with people from all over the world. 

 https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativecarepackages/?ref=ts&fref=ts

Going to School

Everybody finds there own way to get through deployment. Some people work full times jobs in order to fill up their free time and feel like they were productive, some people devote all their extra time to their kids. Doing activities and just trying to be the best parent that they possibly can be. I go to school, by no means am I the only military wife to go to school during a deployment but honestly it's quite surprising the amount of wives that at the end of a deployment all they have to show for all that time is a pay check or a slightly older kid. Both of those things are valid but to me an education is something more, it's something I do for myself, it's invaluable. To grow in your intellect and push your career further is the most productive and personally beneficial thing I can think to do to make the most of all that time to myself. Plus going to school is honestly one of my favorite things to do, I love studying, homework, intelligent group discussions and learning from professors and my peers. And the end of this deployment I will have my associates degree and it's so satisfying for me to be able to say that after two deployments I have managed to get my first degree and have something truly concrete to show for all that time and effort. Deployments suck but when you take that time and really make the most out of it, it's not so bad. Being able to see the work you do in the credits you've earned is such a gratifying feeling. Being able to track that time in assignments and weeks of school and know that at the end of all of this you'll be closer not only to your spouse coming home but to your career goals is an amazing feeling. Having something similar to school can be your greatest asset to getting through school but you have to understand balance. Deployment is emotionally draining on it's own. Going to school, raising kids, and working are all great ways to spend your time but doing all three is a recipe for disaster. If you are working I wouldn't suggest a full course load, maybe one or two online or at campus courses. Enough to keep your mind busy but not overwhelm you each night. With kids school or work can be extremely challenging. That's one of one million reasons that I don't want one of my own. For someone that's never taken an online course, setting aside the time to do your assignments is difficult, and I can only imagine the added distraction of a child making it relatively impossible. For that reason I would most likely side on taking a limited on campus course load. That way the time spent in class isn't as hard to dedicate to learning and studying and you can find someone to watch your kids while you're at school. Obviously online classes would SEEM to be a better solution but coming from someone that's taken online classes...They are harder, it's easier to fall behind and I see more people drop online classes because they weren't prepared to dedicate 16 hours a week to one course and they were overwhelmed before midterms. It's different for everyone but when your husband is gone staying busy is key but it's a balance between keeping busy and not allowing yourself to become overwhelmed. This recipe is different for every person. For me it's school and in my free time I spend as much time as I can with my family in order to make the most of my time home before moving back to Florida. Make the most of this time to yourself, find your identity, take a class, learn a craft. Do something for yourself and enjoy it. They'll be home eventually and you'll have something to show for it and you'll have done something to make them proud. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

I germinated these awesome seeds in my biology lab. It was a pretty gratifying feeling to have succefully germinate all twenty of them in my Petri dishes. It's the small things in life. Lol

Dishes??? Oh, I Don't Do Those!

Cleaning gives you cancer! That's not an arbitrary statement. My Biology professor told me himself. According to him handling cleaning products has a direct correlation to cancer and therefore I shall no longer clean.

I'm being a pain, I'm actually a terrible housewife. That's not an exaggeration. It's really bad, I'm terribly lazy. And I hate touching dishes. We have a long term joke in our house thanks to me because of my lack of ability to wash a dish. I tend to make soup often, therefore we go through quite a few bowls and more times than once we've discovered a beautiful modern art installation piece in our sink, my husband liked to call it "every bowl in the house" because quite often every single bowl in the house is sitting in the sink dirty. And the moment I realize dishes need to be done, I refuse to make eye contact with my spouse and find something else to clean. He knows, it's not secret. And honestly he's really cool about it, I don't mind vacuuming, laundry, heck I'd honestly rather clean the bathroom everyday including the toilet (toilets doesn't bother me) but dishes; I just CAN'T...ugh it's awful. 

I feel bad though, I really am the worst and I need to improve my horrible domestic skills. I'm just thankful that I have a spouse that loves me despite my laziness. Because he's really patient and kind and understands me. I know I get on his nerves but I need to pick up my slack. And give him an easier time. He really does treat me like a princess and I need to be sure to make him feel more appreciated beyond just cooking dinner maybe take the extra step....you know...do that thing......with the food particles and dinnerware. It matters, we have lovely dishes and I should just take the extra effort to...um do that thing that I hate to do. Deployment is a huge time for reflection on your relationship and this really is a problem that is completely my fault and that I need to proactively fix. So Charles if you're reading this feel free to pull up this specific blog post after deployment and remind me that I need to be a better spouse and treat you better. Because you deserve it and it's the least I can do for everything that you do for me. You are my world and I'm honestly going to try harder to help out around the house. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

GO OUT, HAVE FUN, It'll be okay

Don't be afraid to go out and have fun on deployment. Don't be afraid to talk to people, and drink and laugh just because your spouse isn't there. Trust me they won't be mad. And when they get liberty they're going to go out and have fun because life doesn't stop because they're deployed and neither should yours. It's easy to feel guilty that you are having fun and your husband isn't around. Maybe you know he's having a crappy day or that he's been underway for months and is stir crazy honestly you going out and having a good time might cheer them up. Getting to live vicariously through the pictures and videos that you send to them. Today I had an awesome time with a friend, one of my sisters and a couple of my nieces. We had a blast. I went to an art fair and got an adorable little piece that I didn't need but it's cute and I think my husband will like it since it reminded me of him. 

 (me with the artist holding my new Cat-o-pus)

Then I had dinner with my friend Lily and we went and got Strange Donuts with my sister and nieces because it is Saturday and that means ONE MORE WEEK down. Just saying it's a pretty exciting event. I took some pictures and even used my fancy scrapbooking camera and collected little doo-dads to scrapbook my awesome day later on so my husband and enjoy it for himself when he gets home. 

My nieces are way cuter than any of your kids!!

I know my husband misses me and all this awesome stuff but heck there's things he gets to do and experience that I just don't get to be apart of. He went to Jerusalem and the tomb where Jesus had risen and had his wedding ring blessed. He's been to Pompeii, Greece, Italy, and so many amazing places that most likely I'll never get to go and I'm happy for him. He deserves it, and I deserve to go out and have a good time with the people I love. Even if he can't be there. Deployment is hard, but don't make it harder on yourself but feeling guilty for having a good time. 

See a movie even though you know they want to see it too, go to a resturant that you know they like but you like too, don't stop living just because they're gone. What could be worse than wasting 6 months of your life waiting for someone to find out all the amazing things they did and experienced, all while you sat on the couch eating McDonald's watching Housewives. Get out, Go do something and have some fun, I promise. It won't hurt.

Any day but today,

Kayla

Hitting Rock Bottom

I love hitting rock bottom, hell yea man. Cry your eyes out until they're all red and puffy. Lay in your bed in the dark and think about all the things you miss about them and how your life just completely sucks because they are gone. I'm not being sarcastic. IF you need to get these feelings out do it, by all means get them all out at one time and in the most intense way. Then when you're done, when it's all out dry your eyes and pick yourself back up. The good thing about hitting the emotional low point in deployment is that now you get to go back up. It happens to everyone at least once. No one that truly loves their spouse doesn't find themselves crying at a wedding or getting teary eyed during a romantic movie. It's normal, don't bury your emotions all the time. That's just unhealthy. Deployment sucks, your SO might miss your birthday, anniversary, Christmas, New Years. That's upsetting, my husband hasn't been home for a Halloween in three years. That might not sound too bad to some people but that's my favorite holiday, right after my birthday. Lol but it sucks every Halloween I just know I can forget about throwing a party, forget about couples costumes, forget about handing out candy to little trick or treaters together because he's just not going to be there. It isn't his fault it's just reality. And it sucks so if I get down I don't pretend those feelings don't exist. I just get them out quickly and move on. I refuse to spend an entire deployment crying in my room wasting time I could be out having fun and enjoying myself. Would you want to know your sailor was miserable every single day. That the ship had a swim call and he laid in his rack depressed. That they stopped at a port in Rome and he didn't even leave the dock. Hell no, you'd want them to go out, experience the world, have fun and make the most of your time. They don't want to hear that you're miserably every day too. Everyone has a bad day but it's your decision whether or not to live in that misery or to pick yourself back up and make the most out of a crappy situation. No matter what they're coming home, so at the end of 5,6,9 months do you want nothing to show for that time but a giant stack of used tissues or would you rather have a scrapbook full of memories to share with them. I'm just saying I know my husband loves the scrapbook. I know this whole thing is hard, but don't let it defeat you. You've got this,

Any Day But Today,

Kayla 

You Guys Should Have Kids!!!

Wow, for some reason being a navy wife automatically means you have to have kids or you're about to give birth. To be one of the rare individuals that doesn't have any kids or pets (they aren't fur babies it's an animal!) Doesn't want any kids, and isn't planning on having any kids. I find myself to be an anomaly. Sorry that I don't like cleaning up shit but there's something about the personal freedom of going on a road trip and not having to take anyone but my husband and myself without having to pay someone to take on my responsibility of watching my kid or god forbid taking them with me and balancing all the fun and joy of a trip on how they behave.....yeah I'm good with my marriage just being me and my husband for now. But for some odd reason no one else besides my husband and I is okay with that. For some odd reason I find myself constantly having to defend my decision for not wanting children right now and to me that's rather shocking since I'm only 23 years old and my husband and I have only been married for 3 years. How could we possibly raise a child when we are barely established in our own lives and in our own marriage? Don't get me wrong we have an incredibly close bond, but even now he's deployed. I don't want to have kids and for him to miss out on their childhood. The most important time in a child's life is their first 6 months. In that time a child's personality develops and from then on it's determined how that child reacts and behaves in every situation. That's basic child psychology. I couldn't possibly want to have baby and for my husband to not be apart of that incredibly important time. And how would he feel to have no bearing on the most important developmental time in his own child's life. Honestly the idea of it is pretty heart breaking. Hence one reason we wait. Another is our age. I'm 23 years old, so is my husband. And we like being 23. We like going out and experiencing the world. We love adventures and jumping in the car to just go places, I love being a college student and in essence he does love traveling the world as a sailor and having a child would only make all of the more difficult. You can't just jump in the car and go with a baby, they aren't too fond of kayaking trips, and zip-lining. Babies don't work well with school work and well deployment is kind of a no baby zone. So having a baby definitely doesn't fit our lifestyle and we're pretty happy with our lives and aren't looking for a change. Then there's the whole money thing, I don't know why people always say "it'll work out" when it comes to money and babies. Like I don't want to wish on a star for my child's college tuition. That stuff's kind of important to me. I'm gonna need to know that we have a stable home, stable income that wouldn't need excessive budgeting in order to have child and the ability to save for our child's future. 

This clearly isn't how everyone handles the whole baby thing, but well my marriage is pretty perfect right now despite my husband being deployed. We have an amazing time with it just being the two of us and I don't know why that's constantly questioned by people. I mean maybe motherhood and child rearing is an important part of their life that helps define them but that's just not me right now. I love being an aunt to my 6 amazing nieces, I love being in college and studying to become a professor myself one day, I love being married to my husband but even in that he's not my identity. I don't know but I have the feeling that most people that have their kids a little too early in life lose a piece of themselves. Maybe it's a piece that they needed to lose but maybe not. I see a lot of people that introduce themselves solely as a mother, or a dad and it causes you to wonder what else defines them since they were not always parents. Does their depth go any further than the dirty diapers in their trash can? Are they holding on to regrets from having kids so early that they are now unable to accomplish the goals they'd originally had in life? I want a child, truly I do but I don't want a child until I'm ready. And that means that I do accomplish my life's goals first because I want them to see me as an example to get the most out of everything. To experience all they can because that will only make them a more well rounded person and a more understanding parent in the long run. Everyone experiences life differently and honestly I wouldn't be writing this blog right now if people could understand that for me I'm just content to go to art shows and concerts on the weekends. I'm okay with spending my day in a book studying and advancing my education the furthest I possibly can. Others don't have to be me, it's okay I'm not judging you. I'm just asking you not to look at my life and tell me that I should have children because trust me I'm happy and my life is perfect the way it is for now. 

Retail Therapy

It's a real thing. Everyone has their own coping strategies, for me when I'm really feeling down I shop. Now I don't go crazy, I never spend money that I don't have but it's okay to make yourself feel special. Just don't forget about your spouse and to make him or her feel special too. Packing your care packages full of snacks and drinks is great but remember to spoil them a little, movies, something special. I sent my husband a lego watch recently because I knew he wanted one, it wasn't for a specific occasion other than I know he wanted one and I love him. The rest of the package was just fluff stuff but something special really does lift their spirits and remind them that you're always thinking about them. Now back to ME. Lol Shopping is a passion of mine, I don't care what it's for. Groceries, arts supplies, clothes, and shoes I love it all. I shop online and in store and I can't pretend getting something new doesn't have an amazing feeling behind it. But don't abuse that feeling, don't blow all the money from deployment on clothes. Recently I've been saving up for a new pair of UGG boots. I don't necessarily need them but I don't care, I'm setting aside money each paycheck from the amount I'm given in the budget, after the amount I put into savings in order to be able to buy these shoes in the next month or two. I also shop smart, double check prices, goint to thrift shops and to outlet malls first, and I always hold quality over quantity as a standard. 5 new tops is great for the price as one, but that's only if those tops last you longer than that one top would have on it's own. Some people don't understand that rule. Also buy things you'll actually use. I'm a pretty fashion adventurous person. I wear jumpsuits, rompers, crop tops, harem pant, I love crazy heels and hats but most people aren't like that. I've gone shopping with friends before and seen them buy things that I know are out of their style and they'd never wear. In fact those outfits are still in their closet with the tag one and even though it's cute I know they'll never wear it and they completely wasted that money. That's one thing I just don't do. Thrift shops are great, so are mall stores but good deal or not if you don't see yourself ever wearing something don't buy it. 

Don't be afraid to spoil yourself, you deserve it. Deployment is rough emotionally and physically. Take the time to get yourself something you know you'll love and actually use. And do the same for your spouse, trust me you and them will both feel better when you spoil yourselves just the right amount.

HELLO BEAUTIFUL!!

 Just saying that watch is pretty bad ass. 

These pink bags make anything better. 

Planning a Future

 One highlight of deployment and well marriage in general is planning your future. Deployment it's amplified because you can't do anything together so all you talk about is what you can't wait for and things you'd like to do together. Rarely this conversation is about children, despite being 23 my husband and I just aren't in the place in our marriage yet. I enjoy being 23 and not having a bunch of responsibilities. But baby talk is a different blog all in itself. So one of my favorite things to plan is adventures. Last year my husband and I went to Legoland and Busch Gardens. Despite not liking roller coasters we had an amazing time. This time we are thinking about going to Universal Studios and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Dylan's a big Harry Potter fan so I know this trip will be awesome for him and I saw the movies so I'm pretty excited to go also. I even bought a pair of Ravenclaw leggings to wear to get into the spirit. So that's one thing I look forward to and enjoy planning. The other thing I love talking about with him is school (his and my education) and our home. I currently am going to school and I'm about to get my associates degree and he's getting ready to return to school. It's so very exciting for both of us. I think we're applying to the same university in Florida, he's just going to take a couple online classes and I'm really excited for him and I'm going to start on my bachelors degree. It's pretty exciting to think about. Then there's our new home, that's the most fun to think about, Dylan and I are looking at buying a home and looking and talking about our future house is just so much fun. We talk about the furniture, the bathroom, hanging out on the couch watching movies and pretty much every aspect of getting a house together. It's so exciting to be headed towards this huge life step. Buying a home, having him back with me and going to school together is such wonderful things to look forward to and I think doing this during deployment can really bring you a positive outlook. The important thing is to remember these things aren't set in stone, maybe we won't go to Universal, maybe we won't find a home we love and we'll rent for a while and keep looking. These things are unknown and as long as you remain flexible it's fun to plan. 

this is a painting I made for our new home. We love our home town and I wanted to recreate that feeling of coming home late at night and seeing that beautiful arch and all those buildings lights reflecting off of the mississippi. This is one way I plan for the future, I create and collect art in order to make our house into a home. I'm just not interested in having a "pinterest home" I need a house that's unique and filled with unique and interesting things because that's what we are. This painting maybe rough but planning for the future and making things for my home really help to put a positive spin on deployment. And in such a crappy circumstance it's important to find something positive. 

Fighting on Deployment

I've read a ton of websites and blogs and support pages where wives tell other wives not to fight with their spouse on deployment. They talk about their mind having to be in the right place and all that jazz, well I don't agree with that. I also don't agree with the "no bad news" in general rule because life doesn't stop when my husband deploys and I'm not going to cut him out of my life in order to save his feelings. My marriage is completely open and honest, we tell the truth. The cold, hard truth and often it's hard to hear but needs to be said. We fought today for instance. This weekend was emotionally difficult on us both. My spouse had been underway for the past 60 days so our contact had been extremely limited. When he learned he'd be pulling into a port soon our hopes soared to getting to see each other again through one or two Skype dates. It's all we could talk about, seeing each other and laughing and him getting to see all his nieces, we were both just so very excited. And then the weekend started, he couldn't find a decent WiFi connection and the frustrations grew from there. We spoke for a few minutes one morning and even though he thought he'd find WiFi again he hadn't and I spent the rest of the day at home waiting to talk to him, hence last nights post. Then today it was the same thing, we finally talked for about an hour but we never got to see each other or hear each other's voices and I think the frustration just built into this big ugly fight. He was frustrated with me, I was defensive and agitated. We are communicating through email and text and somethings are being lost in translation and we aren't seeing the other ones side or how they felt it was UGLY. When it was all over I think I cried my weight in tears and I know he felt awful but time limitations forced the conversation to end because despite it only being 2pm for me he needed to go to sleep. So I had the rest of my day to feel like crap. But I only let myself wallow for a couple hours. Then I wrote him a clear concise email of my thoughts, how I felt and what I meant. I know his reasons for being so upset with me were valid and I honestly understood that when I saw where he was coming from and he understood that they weren't intentional. But despite the day feeling ruined we fixed a deeper problem we were having. And by writing my email I was able to get out what I needed to say and know that after the fact my side was also heard. 

This is incredibly difficult but you can't have an effective marriage without amazing communication. That means telling your spouse you're upset. And going into great detail, you WILL hurt their feelings but you need to because yours were hurt and honestly if a spouse realizes they were unintentionally hurting the one they love that's upsetting but they needed to know. In order to grow a plant must be pruned, this pruning hurts but creates a more beautiful flower in the end. I hate fighting with my husband, I really hate it during a deployment because you never get that moment to hold each other when it's over. (and you don't get make up sex) but I know that when we communicate effectively and when we work through these problems, seeing the other persons side and understanding what they truly meant we grow and we build a stronger marriage. I don't think you can do that by hiding your feelings and pretending that they weren't there. I don't think bottling up anything and pushing it deep inside yourself will result well. What if what they're doing that bothers you just continues, you then have a major fight after deployment about something you'd been harboring for months and hiding from them. That would be much worse than working through it in a matter of hours. My husband woke up early to tell me he loved me and to see how I was feeling, he didn't go to bed angry and now I don't have to go to bed wondering where we stand. Is it the best way to work through fights in your marriage, NO but deployment doesn't offer much and this is just something you have to do. Communication is key, if you are open and honest with your spouse and they are open and honest with you, you'll find a silver lining to your deployment and that's a strength in your bond that you never knew was there. He'll return and you'll be an even stronger couple for having gone through all this apart and working through your problems through nothing but communication. 

Any Day But Today,

Kayla

Our marriage is stronger than anything a deployment can throw at us