Wednesday, September 24, 2014

"He'll Be Home Before You Know IT"

I loathe this phrase and here's why. 

1. The moment my husband deployed, the very moment he set foot on the plane and flew away from me and I knew I wouldn't see him again or touch him again for months I felt the loss. I KNEW he was gone.

2. Saying that a deployment will be "over before I know it" is like saying I don't realize that my husband has been gone for the last 6-9 months, um I notice the fact that I sleep in a bed alone, I notice the fact that I don't always have someone to go out with my on a whim, I notice the fact he's gone. That has never slipped my mind during this time. 

3. Honestly it makes me feel like my feelings are less important, if I say "I really miss Dylan" and that's your response it's like saying I'm over reacting and to get over it because it's not that bad. It is that bad, 99.9% of the people that tell me this have NEVER gone through a deployment and have no idea what it's like to even be seperated from their spouse for more than a day and if they are and their husband goes on a mans trip or away on buisness for work they bitch and complain the whole time like it's the worst thing in the world. uh Navy wifes call those underways and they are the best mini-vacations we can ask for. They're long enough to get all the laundry done and everything in the house clean but short enough that they're home before the big "I miss you's" start.


I know you might read this and think people only say that because they're trying to make you feel better, well it doesn't so stop saying it. And don't worry I do correct people in my own life that for some reason think I don't notice the fact that my husand has been gone for X many months. And I tell them never to say that to me again unless they want whatever I'm drinking in their face because telling me that is like me telling someone who's grandma died that at least it wasn't them or someone who had their car stolen that now they can get a new one. Deployment doesn't need some bogus silver lining from someone that's never been through it before. Trust me I don't want your empathy, and if that's all you have to say to me if I say I wish my husband were home well then just don't bother contributing to the conversation.

your silence is appreciated,
Kayla

You Can't Spend All Day Worrying

There are a ton of things that you can worry about on deployment, where your husband is, whether or not he's in danger, when he's coming home, whether you'll get along when he comes home, honestly this list can go on and on. But there's really no point to it. I try my best to worry as least as I possibly can on deployment.  In light of recent events I've gotten the opportunity to turn my worry meter on but I chose not to, I had a friend message me in the early hours of the morning about  foriegn affairs and the proximity of my husband to what's happening but I chose to just remind her that he knows what he's doing and I can't do anything to stop it so worrying is pointless. Then I see his strike force on the news and instead of obsessing I change the channel and chose to be ill informed (something completely out of character for me). I'd rather not know anything about it than spend all day worrying about my husbands part in some mission overseas. If it were important I would know, if I had reason to worry my husband would tell me but he hasn't and he won't because we ( I ) have faith in the strength of the United States Navy and I know that my sailor is a damn fine boatswainmate and I'd rather put my energy toward school, and him then spend it in bed thinking about all the awful things that can happen.I knnow that doesn't always seem possible, to just will yourself into not worrying. But for me it works, I just decide that I'm not going to make a mountain out of a mole hill, if something ACTUALLY happens I can react from there of course, but I truly make the conscious decision not to let anything get to me until then because honestly if you do you'll end up losing all your hair and breaking out daily from the stress. So don't let it get to you, have an outlet for pent up frustration and if you are worried tell your significant other, let them know what you're worried about and maybe they'll be able to put your mind at ease. They know you better than anyone else in the world, I'm sure if you tell them how you're feeling they'll reassure you that everything it going to be alright. 

Any Day But Today,
Kayla 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Don't Compare....EVER!....well at least try not to

Everyone's experience with a deployment is different, some are longer and some are shorter. Some husbands have jobs where they have more availability so they can spend more time on Facebook and sending emails, others (like mine) have to share 1 computer amongst 25 other sailors so they don't get much time or opportunity to talk. Each branch is different too, Skype isn't really available to sailors unless they are in port and they are on liberty, while I have a friend whose husband is in the Air Force and while he's on deployment he can call, text and Skype nearly every single day. But I can't compare because it will drive me crazy, I can't think about the people that have been in the Navy for 4+ years and are about to go on their very first deployment because things are going to be different.  And it's hard, even typing this I have to remind myself that everyones experience is different and there are always people that are going to have it easier but there's also going to be those people that have it worse. So comparing is useless, no two sailors have the same career. I have a few friends that will call me upset because something is unfair, or they know someone that things worked out for and they feel screwed over and I have to remind them that if they compare they are going to drive themselves crazy. It's hard, it really is but it's one of the most important things to remember during a deployment because things are always going to seem unfair. I had a couple friends try and tell me it was wrong that my husband had to leave again so soon but I didn't even want to go down that road. As much as I wish things were different everything happens for a reason and we are going to be fine and I just try to appreciate the good and take all the bad with a grain of salt. Him being deployed gives me the opportunity to spend more time with my littles, it gives me a chance to finish my associates degreee and I am grateful for that. So maybe it'd be nice if my husband had his own personal computer on the ship, or if the computers were evenly distributed so each sailor could adequately communicate with their loved ones, maybe I'd love it if my husband hadn't deployed twice in his first three years of sea duty. And it'd be nice to have the ability to Skype my husband every single day, but that's not an option and I'm not going to waste my time wishing things to change that won't. Take everything that a deployment throughs at you with a grain of salt and honestly if you have someone on your Facebook feed complaining about Underways and Duty days while your husband is on his second, third, or fourth deployment just delete them. Who cares, this is why I write about social media in the military because those people are inconsiderate and don't realize how easy they've had it and how their posts might make others who have had a harder time feel so if they get one less Facebook friend because of it that's they own fault.  

Friday, September 19, 2014

Staying Connected (scrapbooks)

During my husbands first deployment I wanted to find a way to share all the things I experienced while he was gone. I had a wonderful friend that shared the idea of keeping a journal but when I told me husband that he was frank and told me he didn't want to reread it all since most likely I'd email him the exact same things that I'd write down every single day so I had to go back to the drawing board. Like most woman in general I'm addicted to Pinterest and I came across this amazing thing called a Smashbook, I'd always wanted to become a scrapbooker but I wasn't a fan of all the rules. I love photo albums but they're too boring and scrapbooks are so beautiful but they lacked the feeling of real life but Smashbooks, smashbooks are real, Smash books relate to me and I decided I was gonna do it. I didn't tell my husband and I made his first scrapbook all about what  he missed, I wanted to make him feel like he was still apart of every moment and that I didn't forget about him, even while having fun. When my husband got this book after deployment he was shocked. He told me that he cried ( I was hospitalized and didn't get to be there for my husbands homecoming, it was tough but we got through it) and that it was the greatest gift he'd ever recieved. And that made it all worth it, this deployment, like my carepackages I've taken even further. I'm trying to learn more through Facebook groups and Pinterest pages and Instagram posts and I'm just trying really hard to put everything I can into my husbands book because I know it means a lot to him. This year I've also allowed each one of my nieces to make their own pages.
This is my Reagan working on her page, she really liked adding stickers. I think this makes it more personal for them and they get to feel closer to Dylan, I also let them help with his care packages and we make and send him pictures often because staying connected is not only important for me but it's important to them. The girls love him so much and I know that they don't fully understand why he's gone but I do everything to remind them how much he loves them and keep their relationship strong despite him not getting to be there for them. 
If I can set up a skype date they both really appreciate it because he only gets a couple days in port every couple of months and they get to talk to him and ask him questions instead of it always being me speaking for them. 

Staying connected during a deployment it so incredibly important and by sending care packages, making scrapbooks, writing emails often and annotating books my spouse and I manage to stay close to one another and continue to strengthen our bond. It's not easy but if you find things that work for you despite the distance you can navigate your way through a deployment and come out with an even stronger marriage because of it. 

Any Day But Today,
Kayla 


This is a link to an amazing Smashbook group on Facebook, the people on here are incredibly creative and share such wonderful ideas to inspire anyone. This is a closed group but I promise you won'tregret  joining this amazing page. 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/smashaholics/?ref=ts&fref=ts


You can't stop death

Things happen that are out of our control, like the timing of a deployment, babies and death. While there are things we can do to understand the timing of these things better, babies you can take birth control or be abstinent and deployment it's going to happen if you're in the military and you can usually figure out relatively when and for how long but death, that's not really something you can plan. And a death during a deployment can be exceptionally difficult. 

To not have your spouse beside you during the death of a loved one can be extremely painful. When you see your family all cling to their husbands and wives and yet you are sitting there alone it can be one of the worst moments of a deployment if it's one you go through. It happened to us, last deployment my Great Grandfather passed away shortly after having a stroke. It wasn't too sudden, we had time to say goodbye. But I don't even like reflecting on this time because the intense feelings of being alone still feel so fresh, especially since I'm in the middle of another deployment. But it happened and I had to go to the funeral services alone and the burial alone and I had to drive myself there and back and it was extremely hard. I poured my soul out to my husband in emails and he felt terrible that he couldn't be there to bring me any solace during this time and that we just had to go through it separate. I didn't hardly to anyone else those few weeks, it wa all too much for me to process. My own feelings were still bottled up inside me. My emails were so tiresome to write because the tears would pour out of my eyes and it felt more like a personal journal than a conversation with my spouse. I eventually stopped writting about it because I could tell it was hurting him, the inability to console me and to be there for me the way he really wanted to be. And I needed to force myself through this alone. I needed to accept reality, the death of my grandfather and the fact that life will continue without him on my own. 

Death is also a rough topic on deployment because, well, your husband isn't there. People cling to the ones they love at a funeral for support but also as a reminder that they're still there, that they still have each other. But I didn't have him there, we weren't with each other. And the thought inevitably creepers into your mind, what if you never have each other again. Death is sudden, it's unexplainable and to lose your spouse after having been apart for so long is an experience I can't and don't want to attempt to empathsize, for the loved ones that have gone through it my heart truly breaks for you. And those of us lucky enough to still have our military men and woman are grateful for their sacrifice. At a funeral death just feels so near and it's hard to not imagine what it would be like to lose the one you love. When you see the widow at a military funeral (my grandpa was a marine) it crushes you, it destroyed me. Because one day, someone will have my that flag if my husband passes first. One day I'll have to say goodbye and the thought is unbearable and yet at the front of the room there is someone suffering that emotion right now, facing that reality that they have lost their life partner and after over 50+ years are now alone. And even the empathy is too much to bear. But you have to, you have to keep going and face the feelings, face the hurt, and process the reality. Because giving up isn't an option. Today is another day in this deployment, and it sucks, and it hurts, and all you want is your husband/wife home to cling to and remind you that everything is going to be alright. But they aren't home and you have to just accept that and continue on.

Any Day But Today,
Kayla 




I Couldn't Do this Without FAMILY

Deployment is extremely hard to deal with and I couldn't imagine going through all of this without having my family with me. Not really for emotional support, I'm not much of a person to talk about deployment to anyone outside of the military or that hasn't gone through it themselves, but just to keep my mind busy. Being able to just get out of the house and spend some time with my sisters and nieces can really bring me out of a bad place. 
Lately I've been enjoying going to my nieces soccer games. They are out by where they live and I just love cheering them on and I appreciate this time with them. If my husband weren't deployed right now than I'd still be in Jacksonville, if he weren't deployed I'd be missing all this time with them. Getting to see them grow up. Getting to watch them go to school for the first time ever. I appreciate each and every one of these moments. Because I know that once my husband does come home I won't get to have this time with them anymore. 
I share such a special bond with my nieces, each on has such unique qualities about them that just make you love them so much more. Each one has a wonderful sense of humor and joy that's all their own. And each and everyone one of them enjoys a good selfie. 
I try my best to take them to as many things as I possibly can and really have the most fun with them because I'm afraid of them forgetting me. I don't want them to remember me at their distant aunt that lived in Florida that they saw a couple times a year. I want them to remember this time that I got to be home. Going to St. Andrews movie theater together, standing in line late at night to get donuts in Maplewood, me cheering the loudest at their ballet recitals and their soccer games. I need them much more than they need me, of course they don't realize that but I do. 
 So while I'm home, while I have this time with them I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to take them to the Magic House when they're off of school, I'm going to walk around the zoo with them and make animal noises. And I'm going to remind them over and over again how much I love them and how much their Uncle Dylan (pickle) loves them because I know the day I have to say goodbye to all of them will not only break my heart, I know that this time the older ones really will understand that I'm not coming right back. That I won't be at their birthday parties or their school plays anymore and I need them to know that it's not because I don't love them. Because they really are my world, my family means everything to me and those six little girls bring more joy to my life than they'll ever understand. 




Thursday, September 11, 2014

Staying Connected...CARE PACKAGES!!!!!




I love making Care Packages for my husband, but I can't send something simple. Since I began scrapbooking I realized I could incorporate that into my husbands packages and send a little bit extra love. But my first piece of advice is not to spend too much on decorations, they most likely will just be thrown away. Find a simple way to dress up a package. Being a scrapbooker I tend to have most of these things already lying around my house. Specifically papers and washi tapes. I get inspiration and ideas from Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook pages were memebers share their personal packages and ideas. I recently started painting the outside of the boxes, something I haven't seen other people doing but that I know my spouse appreciates. He says he always knows when there's a package for him because of the wild paintings all over the sides. The top box was a movie themed care package. I'd sent him a season of True Blood and other movies so I wanted to make the box to look interesting and entertaining. See if he could guess the contents by what was on the outside. The bottom box was for our anniversary. I kept that a little more simple and included some personal gifts that I knew he'd love. You can't send much because of their lack of space but if you really try you can figure it out. 
 This was the first package I sent for the deployment. He loved it and said everyone thought the tentacles were "sick" and it raised my street cred on the ship. The theme of the package was Cats and I just decorated the inside with pictures of cats and funny little comparisons of how being a cat is a lot like being on deployment. He appreciated the humor and that was the point so this one was successful. 
 This was MY birthday care package. Since my husband had to miss out I decided to create my birthday in a box for him. With decorations, pictures of all our nieces as the guests. And I wrote "happy birthday to Kayla, Happy Birthday to me!!" And I filled it with things I love, my favorite candy, my favorite drinks. I also included stuff for him but this package was designed in order to really make him laugh and it did.There was a princess hat inside for him to wear and lots of treats for him to enjoy. All in all I think he really liked them.



CARE PACKAGE TIPS

1. Timing is important, it's the difference between a package taking 2 weeks to 2 months to reach your spouse. I time mine accordingly and have never had a problem. If you wait until you spouse leaves a port and then you send a package you ensure that package going directly to their next port instead of being bounced around as it tries to catch up to their current location. 

2. Don't send a ton of drinks, send Mio's and water flavorings. Sailors especailly have VERY LITTLE space. So when you send them a ton of full size drinks in a package they don't have the room to store them all and according to my spouse often they're forced to chug them quickly, give them away or toss them. By sending Mio's and water flavorings they get a ton of options and can store them easily. 

3. Send tape. I found some mini posters to send my husband in order for him to personalize his rack and I included tape because that's not really something they have. But you can send pictures, kids art, and all kinds of things but withtout tape they can't really do anything with it. I like Washi tape so I sent him some fun ones to make the decorating even better.

4.  Fill out the forms at home, it's easier and saves time if you just bring the customs forms home and have everything filled out and taped up before you get to the post office. It makes the whole experience much fast. 

5.  Use them as a count down, I love count downs. The more you have the better in my opinion. If your husband is deploying for six month send him six carepackages. When you put so much work into the decorating, buying items and writing little notes to include when you finally send one you realize quite a large amount of time has gone by. And then when they recieve it that's another positive thing to celebrate and chunk of time that has passed. It's something both of you can look forward to.

6. If you're like me you want to see your spouse open his package. So ask him to have a friend take a picture of him opening it on his phone. One that's great for scrapbooking later and two you get to see his reaction after opening it. Also ask your spouse to email you right after opening it to tell you what he liked, this seems obvious but it really isn't. In our first deployment I'd get one sentence saying "thanks for the care package" and frankly after all the time and effort it wasn't enough. But after I let him know, he completely understood and always writes me after getting something to tell me his reaction and his thoughts on what he got. I really cherish those emails. 

7. TIDE PODS, on a ship there's government detergent but my husband loves having Tide Pods to throw in with his clothes. They smell better, feel cleaner, and are just a tiny aspect of home that you can give them while they're underway.

8. Don't over think it. You know your spouse. You know what they like and don't like and just think of things to get them according to that. 

UPDATE: This is my most recent and probably favorite care package to date. It was very simple to make, just some scrapbook paper, washi tape and envelopes from Micheal's but a little extra work really can make a care package mean so much more to a sailor. 

This is a link to an awesome Facebook pages where woman and men share their ideas and I love being apart of it. It is a private group so you have to request permission to be apart of the page but I highly recommend joining it. You will learn and can share ideas with people from all over the world. 
 https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativecarepackages/?ref=ts&fref=ts