Packing Sucks

It starts, boxing up my books, taking apart furniture, removing paintings for the wall. I hate this part. I hate taking apart my home and turning it back into a blank slate. It's so depressing, the more we pack away the closer we get to living apart. The closer I get to living in a tiny ass bedroom and Dylan gets to living in a small bunk with little more than books and some letters that I'd written him to his name. Depressing, just plain depressing. We are into this new show, Game of Thrones. Dylans been reading the books so we decided to go ahead and get the DVDs so I could appreciate it too. We also ended up getting an Xbox ONE since the 360 died recently. It sucks, we didn't really want to but after the trade-in it really wasn't that bad.  

But here we are, selling off furniture for cheap so we don't have to hold onto it anymore and we can start fresh with new things. It's not too bad, we do this every move. Start fresh and build a new home and this time we will get to pick everything out of a store instead of off websites and having to pick up and haul it ourselves. I hate moving shit. I definitely don't want to live on the third floor of a building anymore cause that shit just blows. Goodbye my beautiful red couch, goodbye my sturdy wood table. 

**UPDATE**

The furniture is mostly gone, looking around I see boxes stacked ceiling high. It's so depressing, It's impossible for the house not to look dirty and it's driving Dylan insane. I think I'm eating my saddness, that's a first usually I starve myself but this time I notice the amount of snacks and sweets I eat to feel better. It's not good and I know that but what else should I do. When I cry it upsets Dylan because he wants me to be stronger but how can someone be strong living like this, their entire life in boxes and nothing they can do about it. The count down to being apart from the person that you love most almost at it's end and there's nothing you can do about that either, you just have to sit and wait. That's all you can do, a lot of sitting and a lot of waiting. I guess I could try to be more active but how, we have to save money to move back to STL and then keeping ourselves busy the entire month that we'll have together their. Ugh I don't know what else to say, this just sucks, netflix and the recliner that's all I have right now. My books are gone, and the only thing to do is fold laundry over and over again. It's the never ending story.

I've got Blisters on my Blisters

Wow what a weekend. Dylan and I truly went H.A.M. The military comes with a bunch of benefits, and when you live in Florida you can partake in those benefits more readily. For starters, we drove down to Legoland from Jacksonville, about a 3 hour drive but well worth it. Dylan go in for free simply by showing his military ID at the front desk and I had purchased a discount ticket in advance from ITT on the Mayport Naval Base, well worth it too since I got my ticket at nearly half price. The park was awesome, EVERYTHING is AWESOME! We rode a few roller coasters, Dylan tends to hate coasters but since these were small it wasn't much of a problem getting him to ride them with me. We saw a water show which was really neat and the displays everywhere of legos were just awesome in general. The master builders there truly have talent. Dylan wants to start building awesome lego displays now that he saw how cool their displays were and what it's possible to actually build. It's amazing, I want to design and build a lego book. I think that'd be the coolest thing, they had one at Legoland and I was amazed by it. 

After 3-4 ours we had enough fun and headed out from Kissimee, Florida over to Tampa, Florida for a nights stay and then another eventful day spent at Busch Gardens. Well the hotel was AWFUL. I mean terrible. I would never suggest it to my worst enemy. The TVs were from the 90's the cable was out in the room we were staying in so we went to the front desk to switch rooms, and by front desk I mean Chinese Reasturant attached to a side room they used at the front desk for this place, mind you this was a NAME BRAND hotel, not some random shack, or so I thought. Well they switched our room and the nest one was almost worse. The tub wouldn't drain after I took a bath, and during my husbands shower that morning we were greeted by another guest, the resident roach also staying in our room. It was disgusting but we were too excited about Busch Gardens to let it bother us, well I was excited Dylan was kind of scared. The roller coasters at Busch Gardens are rather epic. We got to the park 15 minutes before it opened so we could park, get tickets and get to the gate right when they opened. I was so excited, we had no clue what sort of day was in store for us. We first went to Walkabout Way where we found an animal encounter where we were given the opportunity to feed kangaroos, and well, who could possibly turn down and opportunity like that. Next we walked around from place to place looking at sights, like baby animals, riding the train through the safari and just getting a feel of the place. We picked a coaster we thought wouldn't be too intense, well let's just say that wasn't true. After waiting in a line for 30 minutes we boarded the Cheetah Hunt and were blasted across a track for 3 minutes, twisting, turning, going upside-down and plummeting steep hills. I had a blast, I must admit there were scary points but over all I was glad I did it, Dylan on the other hand, not so much. He was terrified and had no desire to ride anything more that day. Well excide the Fly Over gondelas. Which of course I wasn't excited about. Rollercoasters are scary, but they only last a few moments, gondelas however take forever. I'm just hanging there on a wire high above the ground. But I'm glad we did it, we saw elephants in a new upclose way and I loved it. And it was really beautiful but that was it for rides. After all that we were ready to eat, especially since we skipped breakfast to get there early. Dylan found this AMAZING BBQ place that served the most amazing brisket sandwich of my life. I can't tell you how delicious this all was. We walked around a little more but were pretty exhausted we'd been there about 4 hours when we decided it would be a good time to start the drive home. And to end the trip our GPS wound up taking us the scenic route. It was beautiful, seeing the Florida countyside. There were moo-cows and little baby moo-cows. Horses and ponies, little mom and pop shops and fresh fruit and vegetables being sold on the side of the road and Dylan and I just talked for hours, sharing laughs and truly enjoying each other's company. Our weekend was marvelous and with Dylan deploying so soon it was much needed.

Making Friends

There's two ways of making friends as a Navy Wife, you have the option of just kind of being acquaintances with many people you meet or you can find one maybe two people that you actually make a connection with and be real besties. I of course chose the second, not that I don't have a few friends on the ship but I have two really awesome friends that I prefer to spend all my time with. Having dinners, just hanging out with each other and doing everything with each other the best way. Ally is my literary soul mate, we can spend hours in the best bookstore in Jacksonville, finding the most amazing books and just enjoying every last moment with them. Then there's Maddie, ugh what can I say, when you have someone like her that's there for you no matter what. Someone that you can always depend on, it's just the craziest feeling in the world. I can't believe how lucky I am to have friends as good as them. 

There are some crazies out there, some friendships that I've made that weren't really worth my time and things that happen that then change us but in the end there two girls have been real. I can't believe how much they accept me, I've crazy, a loud mouthed know-it-all and I tend to be overbearing but they don't care. We can hang out and do anything. From scrapbooking to board games. We can go shopping or just hang out at the beach. The best are the adventure though, driving around Jacksonville looking for new fun things to do together. It's not always easy being an Navy Wife but having friends like this make it a whole lot better. 

Saying Goodbye

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to say goodbye to your significant other in any situation. In the military it's a pretty big no-no to ask your spouse not to go when you're saying goodbye on the pier since there's literally nothing they can do at that point and they need your support and strength as much as you need theres. But it's not the END of the world if you do, I just don't suggest that those be your last words. I'm thinking about this because today is a duty day, and I know it only last 24 hours but it still stinks whenever they roll around (especailly when they fuck up your Mardi Gras plans). But it had me thinking of our other goodbyes.

Whenever Dylan has an underway I usually wake up with him the day of. I know this makes his routine harder and saying goodbye more emotional but we've talked about it and we agree it makes us feel better to squeeze in those last moments at the end. He'll get ready for work as I lay on the couch, checking and rechecking with him that he packed everything that he needs for however long they'll be gone. Then once he's done we just sit there, he wraps his arms around me and I just melt into his lap and we don't move. Tears my fall, he might kiss my forehead but we don't move. For however long he has left until he has to go we just stay there, still, holding eachother close and matching our breathing patterns. Harmonizing our souls and for a second becoming one. I know it sounds crazy but that's how it feel. As he stands up to leave, tears flood my eyes and my throat begins to tighten. He says I love you and kisses me as I choke in response that I love him and to come home soon. Those are emotional days, I usually crawl back into bed and stay there a few more hours and I tend not to leave the house for any reason that day. I feel worse for him though, to be the one to have to keep walking down the stairs, to start the car and drive away. I know because he's told me but it's the hardest thing that the navy asks him to do. But underways are still less emotional that deployments are. A lot of wives say their goodbyes the day of on the pier, some stay in the homes not wanting some big emotional show, or worse when everyone has dry eyes and you look like the emotional wreck. But our first depolyment I didn't get either option. I moved home two months early so I could start a semester of school early and get two full completed in his absence. And it was rough, but the first goodbye was only from August 5 until October 1. Yes I sure do remember the exact days, I booked the flights. But the last goodbye, on October 14, that was embarable. The entire day revolved around him leaving, we went to his moms house for lunch, I couldn't eat. I just wanted to be home, together. Just us with no one to put on the "strong wife" show for. What's worse is when everyone around you is crying, his mom, and aunts and siblings but you have to act like everything will be okay and this is just life. We agreeed no one but us would go to the airport. That goodbye was something we needed and I didn't want people to talk to me or try and comfort me when all I wanted was him. Writing this brings all those feelings back and the reality that in 2 months I'll be living this moment all over again. We got to the airport and I helped him check into the baggage claim and print his boarding passes. My hands shoke and all I could think was, "please god not today, any day but today." He stayed strong though and never lett my hand go. We walked down the concourse to the security check in and I knew I couldn't walk anyfurther with him and our time was up. I had to say goodbye, I had to watch him walk away and I wasn't strong anymore. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I held him close for dear life. Begging with god not to make this real, not to let this happen. He kissed me one last time and whispered that he had to go, I could see tears falling down his cheeks too and I knew I couldn't drag this on forever, that he was in pain too and we need to start the countdowns until we'd be back together. As I walked away I felt like I were in a movie, I looked back and he was standing in the line shaking and I knew for him I had to keep walking. It wasn't until later he told me that he also looked back and saw me walking and knew he had to stay strong for me too. I don't know what would've happend if we looked back at the same time. I like to think I'd run to him but I know it'd just be even harder to let go a second time. I don't know how I'll do it again, I don't know how I'll be able to watch him walk away again knowing we'll miss half a year with each other. But we have to part of being a Navy Wife is knowing how to say goodbye. The worst part though is knowing that your goodbyes will never get any easier.

UPDATE: He left April 28th, all you military wives reading this that isn't OPSEC. That's they day I took him to the airport and said goodbye. It was rough but compared to the last deployment I think we handled this one MUCH better. The last two days were for me. No cell phones nothing. We got a hotel room at our favorite hotel in St. Louis. For you ladies wondering it's the Wildwood hotel, they have amazing spa tubs and beautiful mirrors and there's restaurants and a movie theater within walking distance and it's just our favorite place to stay hands down. We got to the hotel after going to LUSH and getting some bath bombs. I don't mess around when it comes to my baths. Lol Dylan and I just spent the day together just being beside one another we started by watching Netflix movies on my tablet, silly but something that's so us it's a perfect activity. Then we got Mexican food which is our favorite. I ordered a margarita but the bartender had a heavy pour and that made the drink kind of gross so I let Dylan drink it. After that we headed over to the theater to watch the new Johnny Depp movie, Transcendence. Wow it was really good. We both liked it, after that we headed back to the room. Just him and I. I try really hard not to get choked up but it's not easy. We spent our last night together laughing and enjoying each other's company. I miss that feeling, being wrapped in his arms buried under a mountain of sheets and a comforter. The next morning was rough but again we made it only about us. It was difficult not really having somewhere to go after check out but before his flight. We didn't want to go to someones house because I REALLY didn't want to have to play the "strong Navy Wife" role. It's just not worth it. So instead we drove to the neighborhoods we wanted to live. We just drove from street to street slowly imagining our lives together, never having to say goodbye again. Each minute that went by on the dash board clock felt like a stab to my heart. It was getting close and we parked at a park for Dylan to eat and to just relax and breathe for a moment. But I was really not liking sitting in a car, I wanted to lay somewhere and hold him and be held. So we went to my moms, no one was home and we just sat on the couch for the last hour clutching each other for dear life, praying that we didn't have to let each other go. But we did, it was close to his boarding time and I knew we needed to get to the airport for him to check in and get through security. That's the worst, that moment you want more time. You just need more time and you can't have it. It's over. Dylan drove, I just couldn't and we parked outside the terminal. My heart sank as I realized I was about to kiss my husband goodbye for the next few month. I knew he was going to miss my birthday, our anniversary and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I had written him a letter and hidden it in my purse before we moved out of our apartment in Jacksonville and I tucked it into his jacket and told him to wait until he got through security to read it. I knew this was the worst moment, this was it. Ripping the bandaid saying goodbye. We had to do it and I had to initiate it because I saw tears in his eyes and knew this was just as hard for him because he had to get on that plane and leave me behind. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him for dear life. Alright this is it, I had to let go. I had to give him that last kiss and say those words that I hate so much. It was rough, letting him go, watching him walk away into the airport out of my view was hard. Getting into my car and driving away was worse, but then he texted me. And I knew we were going to be okay. We can do this, we got through this nightmare once and we are going to get through it again. The worst part was over and that's always an encouraging thought.